Jesus & Toothpaste

It seldom happens [as I’m usually (actually this isn’t true) rushing to beat my insanely fast toothbrushing sweetheart at teeth brushing. I wander, meander, stall, and mindlessly roam about and haven’t even gotten past my first ‘section’ of teeth before she’s done. Come to think of it, I think she can LOAD UP her toothbrush, wet her toothbrush (which is backwards, it’s so much nicer when you wet, than load up), brush her teeth and rinse in the same amount of time that it takes me to hold my toothbrush under the tap to get it nice and wet.] that I have a moment of inspiration while brushing my teeth, but it happened. Here’s somewhat how it went, with a bit of writers’ drama added.

“What if Jesus would’ve tapped into His God attributes while on earth and came up with toothpaste that really, actually, totally worked? Goodbye dentist (Yahoo! [not the Google-ish thing]) kind of toothpaste. He’d take a look at the ingredients, scoff (but probably not), and say, “How about you try this, and this, and a bit of this, and a bit of that? I think you’ll find it works a little bit better.”

Come to think of it, did they even have toothpaste back then? Probably not.

My thoughts went on. “Imagine how different the world would be if Jesus would’ve pulled out His “Godness” to help us create stuff. BOOM. “This is called the “Jesus Computer”. It never crashes (the Windows dig), and you can actually afford it (the Apple dig).” Or take air conditioning. You know, you guys look fried. Voosh, solar powered AC. Ahh. Or maybe in the temple He sometimes thought, “Haha, these scrolls are so dated, I’d just love to show them an Ereader (Santa, are you listening? Kobo Glo!..Korey thoughts here, not Jesus’).

He could’ve made a fortune. Imagine the kind of entrepreneur Jesus could have been! “I bet people, camels, and donkeys would love cars. Let there be cars and wide open roads. Hmm..the speed limits and marble floored insurance companies can come in 2000 years. Nice.”

“Guys like the Apostle Paul are going to love my ASASB (Anti-Storm Anti-Sink Boat).”

“Cotton Candy would sure beat Olives.” (or just about anything else)

“I’ll put the scribes out of work with my Heidelberg Printing Presses”

“I’ll become an actor, I’ll start a band, I’ll write books, I’ll be a vet, I’ll be a doctor, I’ll be an inventor.”

But what DID Jesus do? He gave His life for a sinner like me.
That is utterly, astonishingly amazing.

Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men. And being found in human form, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross. Philippians 2:5-8 ESV

Jesus & Toothpaste

10 Steps To Mastering Inadequacy

1. Feel good about knowing to ride a bicycle sans training wheels (even though you’re a 25 year old bipedal male)

2. See a kid approaching you on a unicycle – TEXTING

3. Read #2 again

4. Think, “I can’t even ride one of those wicked little gadgets.”

5. Confess that the one time you tried texting while riding your bike things started getting really squirrely, really fast.

6. Realize that a picture would’ve been cool

7. Recall the painful memory that earlier in the week your camera was go-karted over repeatedly because you thought “the camera shouldn’t fall out of the go-kart – I won’t put it in my pocket which is literally only an arm’s length away, I’ll just set it on the seat which is going to vibrate, shake, and bounce furiously as I maneuver around tight curves swatting bugs flying into my eyes”.

8. Think about the fact that even if your hand hadn’t been too lazy to make the long trek transporting a 1lbs camera into your pocket, you probably would’ve fallen off your bike snapping the moment, or driven into something very hard that would surely stop you much quicker than is possible for mere mortals to find pleasant.

9. Remember your first ‘real married life’ day back at work, how you fell biking around the very first corner after exiting your driveway.

10. Fondly reminisce about the guy driving a snowblower behind you who surely saw it all as you quickly scraped your body off the asphalt as he thought to himself, “Aha, we have a brand new Village Idiot”.

Well, you all have a fabulous weekend. I think my experience calls for a relaxing evening  – after I finish the painting I’ve been working on while hula-hooping.

10 Steps To Mastering Inadequacy

Stickman Greeting Cards are here!!!

Our blog has been pretty quiet lately. However, inside the House of Blue gears have been grinding, so to speak. Ink has been spilt. My wife has some serious stickman-drawing-cuteness that I personally am crazy about. From time to time she slips lovely little drawings into my lunchbox. Now, you get to see a taste of her sweetness.

I hope you enjoy.

Check out our entire line of stickman cards, or stay posted here for more!

Stickman Romance Card - Funny - Humor - Love - Boyfriend / Girlfriend

Stickman Greeting Cards are here!!!

Thinking about owning a camel?

Last night I stumbled across an amazing article by Susan Rand which has absolutely nothing to do with Paper Movement. It’s a great read for anyone thinking about or not thinking about buying a camel. Check it out.

Well, of course you want a camel! Doesn’t everybody? You don’t want to be the only person left on your block who doesn’t own a camel, do you? Of course you don’t. So this very weekend, you are going to get up early, have a good breakfast, take your nose plugs and your face guard, and trot down to the local camel market.But before you buy, consider this:

Be sure you have the right climate for a camel: not too cold. If you live in Alaska or Greenland, ask for a Bactrian camel, or move somewhere warm.

Check to see if the zoning laws will let you keep a camel. If they won’t, get them changed,or move.

Make sure you live in a flat, sheet-like terrain. Camels don’t like hills or bumps. If you have hills or bumps, move.

Make sure your marriage won’t interfere with your keeping a camel. If it does, well….you know the drill. You may as well plan to consider the camel a sort of animal wife, for keeping a camel has a lot in common with keeping a wife. You must give your camel all your love and commitment. Like some wives, camels are long-lived. They may live to be 30 or even 50, and they will want your complete affection and attention. They will expect Christmas presents, and flowers on Valentine’s Day.

What kind of a camel should you buy?

Actually, there are only two kinds of camels to choose from (more types coming soon!): the Bactrian camel and the dromedary camel, also called ‘He-of-the-One-Humped.” The Bactrian camel has two humps and is called something else. If you intend to ride your camel, this would be a good time to consider the humps. If you end up with a dromedary, you will have to find some way to balance yourself on top of the hump, or strap yourself behind the hump. This is contraindicated because you won’t be able to see where you’re going. Strapping yourself to the front doesn’t recommend itself, either, as camels don’t care to have people sitting on their necks, and may turn their heads and spit at you or worse, bite off your knee.

What about an old camel, or should I get a young one?

You would be better off with an older camel if you intend to ever approach it. Young camels are much less expensive, and for a good reason: they are…well, shall we say difficult to train. An older camel will already have been trained by some other fool, and even more important, you will not have to wait 40 years before being rid of it!

However, if you insist on a young beast, keep in mind that they are born in the winter. If you want to actually have a try at training it, snatch it still sweating (use caution here) from its mother and run as fast as you can toward home. There’s no guarantee you’ll get there.

At the camel market you will have a chance to talk things over with the owner of the beast that attracts you. You will want to ask him some questions, such as:

– Where did this camel come from? (“From Mama Camel” not an acceptable answer).
– Has it had any control problems in the past (problems controlling itself, or its owner)?
– Why are you selling it? (Missing fingers, kneecaps or nose-ends could be a clue).
– Has the camel ever seen a vet? If so, what for? What did the camel do to the vet, and to the owner, once it got him home?
– Has it been wormed? Is it wormed now? If not, when will it be wormed? (“When you get heem home” not an acceptable answer).
– Can this camel do any tricks? Like crouching so a rider may mount? Dismount? Wipe its own nose?

Look the camel over carefully before you agree to buy. Have the owner walk it around a bit. Does it stagger, list to one side or the other, gallop ahead dragging the owner with it? On the command “Go” does it go, or lie down groaning it’s too tired to work? Does the appearance of a stranger send it into a freakout? Can it get down and up without problems? Ask the owner to give you a bale of the hay the camel is eating now to take home with you.

Once you have purchased your camel, or even before, if allowed, you will want to take it to a vet who is experienced in camel care. This may require some traveling, but you want your camel to be healthy, don’t you? Especially if it bites you, right? Check with your state (if you still live in a state after all these moves), to see what kind of health tests your camel should have. Whatever is required, it is a good idea to take all that are on offer. (Don’t let your camel get wind of this, if you value your life). Despite any revulsion you might feel, check the camel’s droppings. They should be dark green in color. If they’re pink or orange or black, demand an explanation.

In transporting your camel to its new location, use a trailer – don’t rid it unless you don’t care whether you ever see your home again. Get a nice well-fitting trailer. Plan your route in advance and drive slowly so as not to fling camel and trailer this way and that – where the camel goes the trailer will also go. Keep this in mind.

The camel’s shelter should be prepared in advance. Your new camel needs a sturdy shelter, a paddock to roam in, a salt block, water and hay. Camels appreciate companions, so get it a donkey, a sheep or a horse to befriend. If you don’t have any of those, try a cat.

Camels are more sensitive than your average Tweety bird so make allowances. Put it in its paddock in daylight and introduce the shelter slowly. Keep a close eye on your camel because problems and irritants are sure to crop up. If it eats or steps on the cat, get a larger animal. If it steps on a nail, call the vet, then scour the paddock for any other sharp objects that you should have removed already. At least two weeks will be required for the camel to get used to it’s new diet. The process will be helped along if you mix some of the camel’s old hay in with the new.

If you have purchased a female camel, and you can through Job’s patience and periods of training get the beast to hold still long enough, you can milk your camel. Camel’s milk is rich in calcium and contains less lactose than cow’s milk; it’s higher in vitamin C and lower in cholesterol. It is difficult to distinguish it, but if you really try, you can.

Oh – one more thing. Before purchasing your camel, make sure it does not harbor any pests, especially the camel spider, which they say is in the habit of clinging to the belly of the camel and eating its way inside at its leisure. According to US soldiers returning from the Persian Gulf War, camel spiders:
– Can jump several feet into the air, and chase you at 25 mph, so perhaps you’d better practice up;
– Can grow to the size of dinner plates;
– Can make high-pitched screaming noises as they chase you, the further to terrify
– Will sneak into your tent at night and clasp itself to your stomach, injecting a venomous anesthetic so you don’t know anything has happened until you wake up to find your bladder missing.

Fortunately, these claims have proved to be spurious, if not outright lies, no doubt designed to frighten incoming soldiers, but all the same, check under the camel to make sure.

Now, aren’t you glad you bought a camel? What more could a person want in a pet?

Published by Susan Rand

I hope you enjoyed that, I sure did.

Still interested in buying a camel? Click the image below for your camel 🙂

Thinking about owning a camel?

Waddle Like a Penguin

ingredients: exaggeration and apparent self-pity

A select few of you may know the semi-glamorous feeling. You were snowboarding. Yesterday. For the first time. Ever. Now, you waddle like a penguin.  Your body has been slammed around, twisted like a loopy pretzel. You aren’t used to pretzelization. But, it’s great – because boarding is great-once you know how-so you’ve been told. You, of course, stank at it – which is why you are so sore. But for now, it’s just glamorous crumbs that you cling to. You were boarding.

It’s those sort of feelings I’m writing about today: seemingly every single muscle in your legs is wound up as tight as a drum, KRANKED UP to double God’s recommended tension.

What did I do?

Run a 50 mile race? Never.
Fall down the stairs? We got carpet.
Did I get hit rescuing a kid from getting run over by a Peterbilt? No.
Was I a little slow getting my penny on the train track? Not this time.
Did I get dinged by a 98mph heater? Not quite.
I played SLO Pitch Baseball. Slooooooo Pitch.

So, did I run into the fence snagging that sure home run in the bottom of the ninth? Nah. Did I take out the 300lb third baseman with a headfirst dive and have him land on top of me? Third base – how do you get there? Get flattened drinking out of the water cooler that slipped off the fence? Gatorade comes in small bottles too.

Can’t you read? I played slo pitch. And apparently my body is getting so old so fast that it now throws a fit at such a seemingly mild sport. Run a bit, sit a bit, throw a bit, swing a bit x4. Waddle.

It’s crazy. It’s weird. Forget the punishment of a day of hockey, a night of soccer, a long bike ride. Baseball’s got this boy licked.

Today’s a gift, your life right now is a gift. Use it. Someday I may blog about how typing puts my fingers on the DL.

And isn’t it crazy how once your body isn’t quite like normal how much you wish for ‘normal’? Even if it’s just a bit of hobbling as a result of fun in the sun, you’re ready for tomorrow, when bending will be a little bit easier. So thank-you Jesus for the health I’ve got today. It’s a gift. Two good legs, 2 good arms, and a debatably half-decent brain. I take them all for granted so often. Tomorrow you might take it away. In fact, there’s millions of people hurting right now, so why my since of entitlement to all you’ve loaned me? I’m blessed. And I simply don’t deserve it.

Signing off,

(old man in training)


Waddle Like a Penguin